The Curse of Guilt

I am convinced that in a previous life I was quite the evil person. That seems to be the only explanation for all of the guilt I feel on a regular basis. This guilt is sometimes completely understandable. I am glad that I feel guilty when I do things that deserve that feeling. But the problem is that I feel the pains of guilt even when I'm not at fault or if the situation really doesn't warrant it.

I think that this trait was probably passed on through my family. I wouldn't be surprised if my other family members go through the same things as me. When I am feeling guilty I usually have trouble sleeping and taking my mind off the subject. I also am put on edge until the situation clears as my nerves are placed at Code Red alert.

So this weekend's guiltfest comes courtesy of a situation involving my dog on Friday night. Mackenzie is a Westhighland Terrier. He is a very lovable dog most of the time and I really love the little guy. But he has been known to get me in trouble from time to time. He is full of energy. As with most types of terriers that energy manifests itself into running around and barking.

So Friday was a long day. I had worked all day at school and then later at the gas station. I didn't get home until about 8:30. Poor Mac hadn't been let out of his cage to go outside for most of the day. So when I let him upstairs he was quite eager to go outside. It was a pretty nice night out so I let him out and figured he was alright to be out there for a little while.

I was pretty exhausted at that point. So I went upstairs to my room to just crash for a while. Around 9:45 I remembered about Mac and went downstairs to let him back in. I heard him barking but I didn't really think that much of it. My sister came home at about 10:15 or so and she told me that someone had left a note on our front door. Needless to say I was quite surprised by what I was about to read.

You can see Exhibit A to the right. At this point I was quite stunned. I didn't know what to think. First, the note wasn't even correct. I do not leave the dog outside when I am not home. I believe that is just cruel to the animals and yes it would be rude to the neighbors. But I was home when he was outside.

They might not have realized that because I was parked in the garage and no other cars were in the driveway until my sister came home. So other than the note being wrong it also seems to be a bit of a cowardly move. My family isn't exactly close to all of the neighbors. We get along with most of them but we never really spend time with them or know any of them that well.

What bothers me most is that they didn't have the courage to at least put their name. If they truly wanted to be neighborly they could have knocked on the door and asked to talk instead of resorting to this. I would have explained the situation and apologized to them. So instead we are left with this anonymous note and no real way to resolve the situation. It really bothers me.

I fully admit that I should have paid more close attention. But I couldn't hear his barking from my bedroom. Plus it was a Friday night, so no school or work the next day for most people. And he was only outside for a little over an hour. To me this is a minor problem that was blown completely out of proportion. Immediately the guilt began to set in. I wish I could have been able to just explain it to someone.

Because they didn't say who it was from I have spent the weekend so far wondering which neighbor it could be. All day today I have dreaded even driving by their houses in case they are outside. And every time the dog went outside today I kept hoping he wouldn't bark at all. The guilt just piles on even more to my regularly high level of anxiety. I'm sure once it blows over I will be able to find some humor in the situation. It just bothers me that it had to come to this in the first place.

I have been in a major funk lately and this didn't help the situation. Hopefully the upcoming week will be an improvement. It is my last one working at school before summer break. And then just a week after that I will be Albany bound for my annual 4th of July visit with my friend Kris. It seems every year I need that time to blow off steam more than the year before.

To Vlog or Not to Vlog

As I mentioned in my last blog I am currently going through a YouTube phase. A good portion of my free time over the past few days has been spent watching videos from different users. Needless to say it has inspired me. I like the idea of expressing yourself through video.

But for me it isn't as easy as just being inspired. Regardless of my creative interests I have to consider what my actual abilities will allow. I enjoy expressing myself and this blog is a direct result of that. But it does not come easy to me like it does to so many others. I am not of the artistic breed. But this could also be used as a legitimate reason to start Vlogging(video blogging). Many times I find it difficult putting words on the screen which reflect how I'm feeling. Granted I would still have to come up with something to say, but perhaps the pressure of being on camera would spur on my creative juices. Perhaps I could eventually find the experience to be very freeing. This is what I am unsure about.

At some point it seems that creating videos for YouTube is definitely an ego thing. For a lot of people it probably is and I don't want that impression for myself. I have little self esteem let alone an ego to stroke. I certainly wouldn't expect large numbers of people to watch my ugly mug in videos on a regular basis. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with no views at all. Of course I would hope that people would watch and enjoy them on some level but I would be happy if I was the only one to view them. Just to have my thoughts documented would make me happy.

If I do decide to start vlogging on YouTube the question then becomes what will I talk about? I have long wanted to express my opinions on movies to the masses. Yet I lack the writing skills to ever become a legitimate film critic. I have wanted to create a website that would look at films in a different way, based more on pre-film hype and if they live up to it. This could be a chance to pursue that in some respect.

Of course this all could be for naught. I could lose interest fairly soon into the process or I could simply be unhappy with the results. There is a high chance of that happening considering I rarely even enjoy having my picture taken. I am curious what other people feel about this form of expression. Is it a waste of time for someone my age?




On another topic, a perfect storm of no rain and high pollen count has resulted in my allergies wreaking havoc day and night. They really only became a problem a year or so ago. I started back on my Allegra regimen last week but I am still feeling the effects of the pollen in the air. It makes me wish for the ability to hibernate through summer.